...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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