Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
