his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
