Plan B is the new Plan A
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
