Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
