I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
