remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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