I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
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i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
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The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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