dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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