ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
