He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
