Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
