remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
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Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
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I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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