She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
