32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
