your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
bring money and cleavage
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
