I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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