I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
