I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
