i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize