Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
