we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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