8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
