Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
