You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
