Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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