Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
