I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
