I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
