I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
