I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
