you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have already put on my inside pants.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
