I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Found the puke drawer
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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