You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
i think my cat just said my name.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
