so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
