she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
