dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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