Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
