Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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