When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
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Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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