Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
