it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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