i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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