I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
