Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
