Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
