Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
