I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
