There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
