all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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