Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
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We need to rekindle our bromance
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
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I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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