dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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